Lenten Series: Facing Failures

 

Hi Good morning! It’s my second day of holiday today. Not too busy but I skipped my morning run and decided to run this afternoon. It was a cold this morning when I set my alarm at 7am. I felt so tired and my eyes were so hard for me to open. I think it’s because of the 3 cans of cocktails I had last night that made me felt so tired and exhausted this morning. Hahaha! Laziness was overcoming me and gave me the procrastination.

Kidding aside, it is a beautiful day today. Very sunny, but cold.  It’s almost noon but I feel the chill from my early shift. I had my deviled eggs toast again for the nth time and my hot chai latte with a pinch of cinnamon and a huge banana. I discovered that it tasted better when I added a tablespoon of greek yogurt. The balance was perfect. I needed to go out later so I can buy a few groceries from the shop for dinner and for my breakfast tomorrow. 

We have another beautiful verse here again and this verse was written by Jeremiah to the Jewish people exiled in Babylon, encouraging them to maintain faith while in captivity. So long ago, stories about rude kings being so mean to the people of God. Putting them in chains and the worst is torturing them. A lot of prophets  who was with God taught people to pray to God continually and trust Him in times of hardships and  trials. For nothing is impossible with God.

I questioned God why does he not allow me to save enough money. I always ended up broke. I have decent job seriously why? My dad asked me a huge amount of money last month and now I sent him the money.  I asked my dad where will he spend the money, I was thinking about him buying a car or spending the rest of taxes that we need for the house title we were longing for so long. But he said no, he will spend it on betting games on the cockpit this coming Sunday. My heart was pounding so fast and teary a lil bit. It was so unfair. The hard earned money I was saving for months, I’ve sent him and he’ll just spend it to a useless bet with no chance of winning or losing. I was struggling so much. I want to complain. I want to scold at him and talk back. But nothing, I didn’t complain. It’s not about the money but he was not thinking about my hardships. The struggle for me to go to work and mingle with guests. And my other colleagues, the struggle for me to wake up so early and catch a train, the struggle to walk alone late at night, the struggle not to buy useless things that I can’t resist, the struggle that we can’t go dates with my husband because we were thinking about the money spent on expensive dates rather than home cook meals, the struggle not to go to church on sundays just to go to work, the struggle that I need to be away just to work with no motivation at all, the struggle for me to walk 2km everyday. All of this, my dad can’t see!  He can’t see! He can’t feel! I’m so away from my comfort zone. Communication barrier, multiculturalism, diversity, faking your smiles everyday, toxic coworkers, target pressures. None of this, he can’t see them. No one! God only knows!

He said he’ll pay it back on his midyear pay on June. And yes,  I would insist him to pay me back! That’s my money! That’s my savings! That’s my budget! He also told me, I can’t say this to my mum. Yes it’s obvious! He’s a gambler! Whatever happens! I’m done! I can’t even go home. I have nothing again. Going back to zero. (T_T)I AM BROKE AGAIN! BROKE! Why God? You won’t allow me to save atleast a grand. Why????? Is this my fate? A curse? I’m trying my best. All my life, I’m paying debts. Literally debts!!!!

I can’t even dream for myself. Is this a test again God? I will always come back and cry again to you my Lord. Are you testing me again? Whatever I do, why do I always end up being a failure? I failed again. Is it because I don’t go to church anymore? I always pray to you. I’m always speaking to you. Why did I came out to this world poor? Did you intend to bring me poverty all my life? Is debt always in me? I should my change to BENALIZA DEBT. That should be. Cos it’s always in me. Wherever I go, whatever I do. It’s like attached to me forever!!!

Now, I am here sincerely seeking you again God. You should have been so tired noh? The only thing that makes me happy is your presence and thinking that I will see my sister again soon. I have a loving husband, he understands me, he’s very patient. I commend this perseverance and his commitment at work even if sometimes he annoys me. I am very sorry I always ended up scolding at him and angry. But I love him so much. He’s been my living armor too. I pray to God that someday he’ll end up following Jesus seriously and wholeheartedly. I always pray me and him will be your bond servants. We want to serve you my Lord all the days of our lives. Because you are the One and only King that we will worship and serve. You are the divine and our provider. You are our master!

I may not have this a lot of money, I admit that. I looked like I have a lot of money.  But no!!!! Hell no! But the time I had several encounters with Jesus, he makes me alive. He always gives me the purpose and the motivation to work more hard and have the patience. Cos he takes his time to shape me and make me stronger in times like this. As if I have an EMERGENCY KIT. That includes a strong prayer and worship to ask God to give me strength and courage to face this trial again. Because it keeps coming back, my financial struggle is the emergency! And God is my aid.

At this moment, I should not worry. But I’m just human, I always worry. I doubt. I’m anxious, I am hurt. I always ask God to teach me not to doubt and worry. To lift up all my worries, and He’ll take care of the rest. Just like the birds in the air and the flowers that did not worry where to get all their food. And God provides, what more us human who has our Father? I know God would not allow me to cry and worry and He appreciates my efforts. He doesn’t asks anything from me just my whole commitment. He’s the father who thinks always good for His child, he will not allow me to be in harm or hurt. He’s the only father who is fair and just. He is the only father who is perfect and mighty. He will not allow me to go broke and fail. I have his back and his word. My confidant and my saviour.

Thinking about all the good deeds the Father gave to me right from the very beginning. The times I was failing over and over again. I am confident He will help me again. He will never let me down. He will never forsake me. I am His child and He is my King. He is my comfort and my strength. 

God bless us all!

Lenten Series: Everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

 Greetings! Today is another day to reflect to a wonderful verse which I am really relying over the years. I love this verse so much! One of the powerful, most inspiring verse you can adapt if you are feeling low, needy and hopeless. This verse from Matthew 7:7 

is a promise from Jesus urging persistent, active prayer and trust in God’s goodness. It means God is an approachable Father who delights in giving good gifts to those who earnestly seek Him.

I just spoke with my mum overseas this morning and I heard a devastating news, that her sister, our aunt died. She was one of mum’s closest sibling. Our help when we were in need a few decades ago when we were struck by a big storm that destroyed or house. She was also a good tailor and garments designer. She made us numerous dresses ever since we were born. She also attended my wedding amidst she was ill and old. She made it and were happy to see us. She was there at every stage of our lives. I also broke down to tears hearing the bad news a while ago. Especially when I heard she wasn’t treated nicely and was not spoiled by her children when she was still living. She sustained everything she has to her children, gave them everything. But when she got old, that good deed was not given back to her. She needs to continue working until she got ill just to sustain her own daily expenses. At her last days, she didn’t have any pension or insurance which her family could have used for her burial. It was so sad. It broke my heart. Me and mum cried out so hard, our eyes got so swollen. Until now, while I’m writing this blog, I am feeling a lil bit teary. I would never imagine treating my own mum like that. She deserves everything I have. All my trophies, my victories, my achievements, even my sorrows, she knows. 

My mum decided to extend our condolences to my cousins and sent them money. I also offered them any help or assistance that I can. Money is easily earned, but our love and assistance will be forever remembered. I hope my aunt sees us what we can do for her until this very day. She will be forever missed. She might not be lucky raising helpful and selfless children, atleast she has good nieces and a sister who is still here for her even when she’s gone. I hope the Lord sees us and forward a message to her sending or regards that she will be missed and remembered. Even when she has no personal savings when she was still living, I know she just thinks about her children and forgets her own. She’s a selfless mum. She was not even lucky to have a husband of her own. I admired her braveness and strength raising five children. God has been so good with her. She even became an OFW for so many years. Being here overseas is so hard. It’s not easy. The equivalent of money you earn every month to your family would not equal the value how you miss every second of your family. The comfort is so far behind what everyone is seeing. It is not like that. The cost of living is killing us. The diversity and multiculturalism is not easy. It takes a lot of patience, perseverance, motivation and commitment. Even swallowing your own pride, your bachelor’s degree is nothing. You are doing similar to what undergrads are doing here and you both earning a minimum wage. Being grateful and not complaining will make you different.

It came back to my memory the times when I have nothing. Even a single peso, I was so broke. It was really difficult when you have no money. You can’t even ask your parents or your friends because they might see you as a failure. But God really was so good. He never forgets me. I was literally always crying every night and wishing to end my life. But I was visioning my family dealing my debts even when I am gone. That will be so embarrassing. 

Even now, I have multiple loans from the Philippines. It will take me 3 more years to finish all of them. That is why my current job is so important to me because this helps me pay them and also helps my husband pay some of our bills. Money makes the world really go round. Money is also a root cause of evil. 

The verse today is not just about material desires, it also seeking God even in our darkest times. I would imagine other people, where do they cling when you have nothing? Is it their family? Friends? Our family sometimes is not the best to say our problems. I would personally keep it. I’m honestly not comfortable telling all what I feel to them especially to my mum. She judges me easily. I had several encounters with my mum that I would cry and feeling anguish and hate because she doesn’t understand me. She usually gaslights me. But because I feel she was maltreated when she was young. Her inner child wasn’t healed. I was the one understanding her. My sister usually feels the same way too. I didn’t know until lately that my sister had so many encounters with my mum and hated her all her high school and university days. She was so persuaded and decided to leave home. She was now doing well on her craft. She is doing good in everything she does and she has “Raphael” now which she can rely. And I am so happy to see her grow and to be loved. She deserves everything in the world because she is a good sister, a good daughter and a good person. I always broke down to tears whenever I think about my sister. I see her always as my little baby sister. There was just 2 major fights we had all my life. And those times was the worst. I would always felt guilty and resentful whenever I reminisce them. 

I am really blessed to have a beautiful sister. She is more mature than me. She was so selfless. I miss how we sleep together in one bed. Fighting over stupid plushies and pillows. Our life was so simple back then. I never imagined until this day that we will be apart. We were just those kids who were just struggling to go home without being scolded because we don’t wear our jackets or because we threw our leftover lunches. I miss home because of her. That’s why I cried heavily on my wedding day, the moment she gave her speech. I would also cry on her wedding day too. I’m always going to be the big sis se can ever rely to. No matter what happens, sisters forever. 

God gave me a sister whom I can rely anytime. She is my biggest blessing. This verse is a living proof that there is always someone whom God made for you to rely. Just like my cousins, their mum, Tita Denz, is a proof that God will never forsake them though their dad was gone at their early years. Their mum was a beacon of strength and their pillar of light. Her works will always be missed. Her deeds will never be forgotten. 

Lord please, let her rest with you. May you be with her until we meet her again soon. 

Tita Denz, we will miss you. You will be forever in our hearts. Rest easy.

Lenten series: Spiritual Thirst

             

 

This verse is one of my favourite songs that we sing in the church. This literally means about a deer thirsts for water which actually translates us humans expresses an intense, desperate longing for God’s presence.

It also signifies a deep spiritual hunger, often trials where the soul realizes only God can provide satisfaction and refreshment.

Today, I am so happy and excited because I just joined the Windsor Half marathon to be held on September. I felt so happy and blessed also since I am not just running for fun but with a cause. For me to join a race here in the UK, you need to be a member in a foundation or a volunteer that supports their advocacies and movement. And I am happy because I supported not just one but two organizations.  The Wellness of Women and the Windsor Christian Action. Wow! I’m starting to be a philanthropist again! So adorable!

I love this kind of charity work, helping organizations in their advocacies while trying to be fit and healthy. In the Philippines, charity foundations organize a fun run to raise funds for their movement. Anyone can join and race starts as early as 3am! I remember I did a lot of fun runs that support a lot of charity foundations. I had a collection of medals in our wall for all the race I joined. It also raise my awareness in supporting a lot of charity foundations. This is just a small step towards a greater cause, my dream to be in a bigger race. To be in the London Marathon!!! Wow ! That is an honor!

Now, I am longing to be in a prestigious race. It’s not bad to dream. A race with a cause. I am blessed actually to be in this country. A greener pasture for my dreams, not only mine but with my husband. One day, my husband will grow his faith. I am always praying that one day he gets an encounter with God. An encounter I know he will always choose God over the worldly things. I’m always longing for God, always asking for Him to give us an encounter. Only a true encounter will test how we are deeply close with God. For a true encounter will also test how strong we are to overcome fear, faith and love for God. 

True peace and satisfaction are found only in God, not external circumstances. I always pray God never abandons us, not persecute us but give us victory for we have won in life.

This charity foundations are instruments to make us be a better person. Supporting their advocacies genuinely and not just because I want to join a race. 

The race is all about charity, love and kindness, selflessness, care and genuine action.

Hope me good luck!